Like a Good Neighbor

This weekend summer finally makes it debut in the Garden State and countless folks from Southeastern  Pennsylvania will begin their weekly  ritual of  crossing  the Delaware and driving to the Jersey shore.  South Jersey doesn’t need an equinox to signal the arrival of summer, nor does it have to count the hours of sunlight.  It simply counts the exponentially greater number of PA license plates on its highways to know what season it has become.   Heat and humidity brings with it tail lights and traffic jams.  Every Friday afternoon and Monday morning between Memorial Day and Labor Day  most of South Jersey becomes a channel from the Main Line to the Shore line filled with refugee like numbers of Pennsylvanians backing up lines at toll booths, gas stations and Wawa Hoagie counters.  While New Jersey appreciates all that revenue from its neighbors to the west, it is hard to dismiss as ignorance, the way in which some attempt to get here.  Perhaps now is the time to review some of the more important unwritten rules of New Jersey roads.

There is no short cut to the Jersey shore that involves the extended use of back roads and secondary roadways.  The fastest way to get from point A to point B will always be the Atlantic City Expressway.  This road was designed with anxious shore travelers in mind.  Any other route, regardless of what the GPS says, no matter how long your family has been taking it, will add, at the very least 30 minutes to the trip and serve only to aggravate you and the countless New Jersey locals trying to move about their daily lives.  You trying to navigate through the crossroads of Hammonton and Somers Point means at least a dozen locals leaning on horns, yelling obscenities, and crossing over double yellow lines to pass you.   New Jersey locals don’t think twice about eating their own on the road. What makes you think you will be treated any differently?

Stay out of the left lane unless you intend to pursue a career in NASCAR. Most painfully long and slow moving lines of cars in left lane begin with a Pennsylvania driver out for what appears to be a Sunday drive.  If you live in Pennsylvania and ever have the urge to just get out and take a drive, take it to points west.  Points east are less scenic and more hostile.   And contrary to what many Pennsylvanians think, the left lane is not the fast lane, it is the passing lane.  New Jersey has a simple rule, occasionally posted for out-of-state drivers, but apparently not often enough, “Keep Right, Pass Left.” 

The left lane is not intended to be used as a Pennsylvania Express route or a high speed thruway.  If you wrongfully assume it is the fast lane, take heed that you are, by Jersey standards, not driving anywhere near fast enough to stay in it.   You should expect to be mercilessly harassed by Jersey drivers and law enforcement.  State Troopers are encouraged to harass PA drivers crawling in the left lane and in fact are often rewarded for doing so with rapid advancement through their ranks.

The posted speed limit is dramatically different than the real speed limit.   The posted speed limit on most New Jersey highways is 65 mph.  However, New Jersey locals understand that to be the suggested limit while going through construction zones or inclement weather. On an average day New Jersey drivers will exceed 65 substantially.  A Pennsylvanian doing 70 mph in the left lane is pitifully inadequate. That is barely an acceptable speed on many off ramps in New Jersey let alone the left lane.  Most experienced New Jersey drivers will proudly admit to exceeding 75 or 80 mph in the left lane whenever possible – whenever possible being miserably limited by Pennsylvanians who neither understand  “Stay right, Pass left” nor that flashing headlights from the vehicle bearing down on them means “get the fuck out of the way!”  The unintended consequence of not understanding these two basic facts will result in your car being caught between two New Jersey drivers fixing to put you into the Malachi Crunch (see Pinky Tuscardero, Demolition Derby, Happy Days).

Texting and non-hands free cell phone use is illegal – for everyone but us.    This law was written for out-of-state drivers with particular emphasis on PA drivers. Multitasking under extreme duress is an inherently Jersey trait.  You can't do it so don't try.  If you are caught with anything but the steering wheel in your hands we will tail your ass like Tommy Lee Jones did Harrison Ford’s fugitive.  However, your car phone should always be with you and you should have two numbers on speed dial, your personal injury lawyer and your auto insurance carrier.  And your injury lawyer should be the first one you call in the case of an accident.

Do not intentionally slow down, yell at, or use an obscene gesture in response to a Jersey driver seeking to get around you.  Much like someone wearing a Cowboy’s jersey to an Eagles game runs the risk of getting his ass kicked for simply disrespecting the Linc, you doing anything but complying with our requests that you move could result in you not remembering large chunks of your childhood when you later wake up in the hospital.

If these simple Jersey road rules are better understood and followed by all, this summer’s weekend traffic will move a whole lot smoother.  New Jersey and You. . .Perfect Together?  Only if you Keep Right, Pennsylvania.